What is Grief?
In simple terms, grief is what we experience after we lose something or someone that is important to us. Grief is one of those things that we all wish we could avoid in life. No one enjoys it, it’s painful, uncomfortable, and leaves our hearts with big gaping holes that usually feel impossible to heal. Typically filled with a lot of tears, grief is best summed up as intense emotional pain. The varying experiences of grief are different for each of us and very few of us escape life without grieving over something or someone.
Grief is Not One Size Fits All
For me, of the best lines in the world is from a Garth Brooks song called The Dance – “I could have missed the pain but I would have had to miss the dance.”
We simply can’t escape some of life’s highest highs without also finding the lowest lows.
Common Reasons People Experience Grieve
And to grieve, someone doesn’t always have to die, sometimes it means that someone or something is no longer in our life. Grief can be complicated too, where society says that we should “be happy” someone died (like an abuser) it can become complex. So, if we know grief is a universal experience, what are some of the things we grieve over?
Experiences of Loss
Some of the most common reasons for grief include the loss of:
Anyone we love
Anything we love
Ideas & beliefs
Hopes & dreams
Life of a romantic partner
Parents
Grandparents
Siblings
A child
Pregnancy/Miscarriage
Friends & friendships
An Aunt/Uncle/Cousin
Pets
An important relationship (break up, divorce)
Hobbes
A job (even with positive changes!)
Physical or mental functioning (especially due to chronic illness)
Youthfulness
Lifestyle
Self and freedom pre-kids
Relationships where society says you aren’t allowed to grieve
Healthcare providers, acquaintances, informal partners, the veterinary field, helpers
Sometimes grief comes even when you haven’t necessarily had a loss. Instead, it might come from a change in circumstances in your life. On the other hand, it might come from receiving news you weren’t expecting. Examples of which include:
Dementia of a loved one
Infertility
Moving to a new community
Death of an ex-partner
Surviving an accident where other people passed or were severely injured
Death of an abuser
It Impacts Your Life & Mental Health
Science has shown us that grief can shake us to our core. We carry it in our bodies, in our hearts, and in our minds. It almost always impacts our mental health, from feeling depression (hard time focusing, getting out of bed, or doing any “normal” activities), to highlighting our anxieties by increasing our worrying thoughts and sometimes obsessing over how we could have prevented the loss we are grieving.
Grief makes it hard to do the things we normally do. Such as grocery shopping, paying attention at work, and parenting our kids. Being present in the moment is *hard* when we are grieving.
Some have described the grief experience as walking around paralyzed and completely numb.
Is Grief A Mental Health Condition?
This one can be a touchy subject. Personally, I say no. It’s a painful experience, it’s part of life. No one is “crazy” just because they are experiencing grief. But, the psychology world and insurance companies need to have something to “diagnose” and bill. Adjustment disorders and prolonged grief disorders are some of the common diagnoses a grief therapist may be forced to make to fit into insurance for reimbursement.
Please know, that what you are feeling is normal, it is also terrible and hard and shitty and all of the things you are feeling are valid but this is not a mental health condition.
Grief Makes Relationships Complex
Sometimes, when we grieve differently it can be hard to understand others who are also grieving with us. Some people will essentially shut down as their form of coping and move quickly to move forward with their lives. Others, may wail and be very open about their experience and see no way to move forward with their lives. They may even go so far as quitting jobs and being unable to attend to responsibilities.
What isn’t helpful here, is to compare our grief. Grief is 100% painful for each of us, differently. How we experience grief is different from that of others and not understanding or being upset with how someone else grieves, tends to make things more complex. We can’t compare our pain or our losses and we can’t compare our grief.
We all enter the grief club the same way, but the way we work towards recovery & completion can be very different.
Does Time Heal All Wounds?
I wish it did. There are no time frames or time limits on grief. The farther we move away (time-wise) from the event that caused us to grieve, the shock and rawness from it tends to simmer down. We find some ways to move forward in life, but that doesn’t mean that time has healed those wounds. Sometimes people seek therapy years after they have suffered a loss because they are still struggling with it. Others seek out a grief counselor in the bay area right away because they can’t figure out how to move forward. Grief happens in different stages and waves. (I’m not crazy about the 5 stages of grief, I think they were meant to help us prepare to lose someone not to grieve- I digress).
My personal experience and the experience of those that I know is that grief really is more like a wave. It will come, it will be strong at times and be gentle reminders at others. But it is always there, very strong and aggressive one at one time and very gentle the next. It looks and feels different for each person.
I’m grieving. Now what?
What is next is entirely up to you. If you feel like you could use extra support or someone to talk to, we’d be honored to help you work through it with grief counseling in the San Francisco Bay area.
One on One grief counseling
At Bay Area Therapy for Wellness, we offer one on one counseling. In a session, you can vent, cry, and say all of the things you can’t say out loud to anyone else. We will remember what you have lost and find ways to honor that memory. In grief counseling, we work on healthy ways to grieve. We’ll work through the grief in layers and in waves. Additionally, we’ll work through any “what if’s” – but most importantly we’ll work on moving forward from the tremendous pain you are feeling now while still respecting and never forgetting the loss.
Family Counseling
Sometimes we need a therapist for the change the whole family is dealing with. Families are one of the most complex groups of people with everyone having a different perspective and experience. If the family unit is struggling to find ways to move forward, supportive family therapy is an amazing way to find the inner strength within the family.
Tips To Support You Right Now
Let us be honest, this is a lot to process right now, kudos if you have made it this far! As a therapist who offers counseling on some of life’s hardest transitions, I also believe that along with instilling hope, we need tangible tools to assist us. Here are a few:
Set time aside to grieve.
Whether you need 15 minutes, half an hour, or an hour, decide how long you are going to dive deep into your grief, look at photos, listen to old voicemails or watch old videos, and write down what you are angry about. Feel all of it and dive deep. But set a timer for how long you will allow yourself to look and feel these things and then give yourself a few minutes (maybe 15) and put everything away, compose yourself and shift gears into something else. Maybe take a walk or do something that demands your attention.
The goal of this is to know that you will have a dedicated time to grieve but you will also take back some power from grief and put an end to it. You can do this daily or twice a day, whatever feels right for you. Eventually, you’ll need less time and it will become easier to pull grief out and put it back.
Self Care!
Seems like self-care is a new buzzword these days. But with good reason. Get some extra sleep, treat yourself to your favorite dessert, get some movement outside if you’re able, put fresh sheets on the bed, and pick up your favorite book or movie. Whatever it may be that brings your heart some happiness, do it. Remember, we can’t take care of others unless we can take care of ourselves!
If you have a hard time coming up with ideas, here are 44 ways to do self-care while grieving.
Grounding
If you are feeling caught up in the moment and feelings of being overwhelmed come, try to identify the 5 senses. You can do this with your eyes open or closed, whatever feels most comfortable for you. The goal is to reduce your attention to what is causing you distress and refocus on things within your immediate surroundings.
What can I touch right now? And feel them.
What do I smell?
What can I see?
Be descriptive - blue sky, a red car with a scratch on the bumper, texture on the wall, etc
What can I hear?
Cars in the background, birds chirping, fan running, etc
Things I can taste
What does my mouth taste like? Am I chewing on something?
You Will Smile Again
It may not feel like it, and I get that. When I had my first huge experience with grief, I remember opening the door to my backyard and being stunned that the sun had the nerve to rise again. I mean, how could it, really? How is time moving forward?
During that time I remember going to the grocery store and not being able to find anything.
I remember feeling the intense pain and the what if’s and so much crying over everything that was a reminder. Or every time I picked up the phone only to remember that no one was going to pick up on the other end.
There was a feeling of complete shock at the world for continuing to go on when my world was completely shattered.
I remember feeling like I would never move forward, that being in his state of grief was not only the only thing I could do but the only thing I should do.
But, I did a lot of work around grief. I had a lot of crying sessions in my closet (you know, those crying sessions when the shower is turned on so no one can hear you cry?)
The Work Was Worth It
Eventually, through all of my work and my pain – I was able to smile at old photographs again. My life was no longer consumed with grief. Eventually, I was able to move forward, scarred and sewn back together. I know I’ll never really be whole again but now I understand how powerful our love for our loved ones can be.
There are times that I still feel anger, and feel that things aren’t fair. It isn’t a linear process, I don’t believe we are ever fully done grieving. But we can get out of the thick of it and move forward.
That is my hope for you.
When you’re ready to begin a grief counselor is ready to give you the support that you need.
Grief Counseling in the San Francisco Bay Area
Did you know that most people are ashamed to seek out help for grief? Many people feel that since it’s “part of living” they should just “get over it.” Yikes!
Working with a grief counselor that understands grief on a personal and professional level can be transformative. Grief counseling can help you find ways to grieve in ways that are more manageable while honoring and respecting the loss.
When you’re ready to meet with a grief counselor, reach out to us so we can start your journey of healing.
Meet with your experienced and compassionate grief counselor
Start working through the grief and reduce the pain you are experiencing
Other Therapy Services at Bay Area Therapy for Wellness:
Bay Area Therapy for Wellness specializes in grief, complex grief, disenfranchised grief and so much more. Are you a caregiver that is facing burnout? Caring for someone with a chronic or terminal illness is taxing, but we can work with both of you. We also specialize in depression treatment and anxiety treatment. Of course, all these experiences can impact the family unit and we offer family therapy as well.
We look forward to joining you on your journey.
