Caregiver Burnout and Grief After Death
You have spent so much of your time caregiving for your loved one. It doesn’t matter the length of time, the diagnosis, or anything else – entering grief after being a caregiver is a unique time in your life.
A lot of people have complicated feelings after their loved one dies, and caregivers are no exception. However, the journey may look different than what you’re expecting or what others around you think it will look like.
At Bay Area Therapy For Wellness, we fully understand that caregivers have a unique front-row seat to prepare for the death of the loved one. That might sound shocking or harsh but while caregivers are busy caregiving, they are also going through the final stages of life with this person.
What will I feel after my loved one dies?
After the death, caregivers typically feel relief around the end of the burdens of caregiving. This is nothing to feel guilty about. Family members that may have not been active in the caregiving role may find this odd or even insulting. But I can assure you, the relief of no longer being a caregiver and having the stress relieved is okay and completely acceptable.
To be clear: we are not celebrating the death, we are simply relieved to no longer have the stress of being a caregiver. With long and complicated disease processes, there might even be relief that your loved one is no longer suffering. This doesn’t mean that we wanted them to die.
You Might Have Conflicting Feelings
An interesting paradox that caregivers can feel is that they have little guilt over doing the work of being a caregiver but can also have a lot of competing thoughts. Such as:
“Did I do this right”
“I was unkind when I said this”
“I ran out of patience when this happened”
“Did I make the right decision”
“I got really frustrated by XYZ”
Feeling like you did everything you could have possibly done for your loved one and questioning or being critical of yourself over the things you did all at the same time – this is a completely normal experience! If you are having those thoughts, now is the time to give yourself some grace and some love.
You Were Doing The Best You Could
Hindsight is always 20/20 but chances are, you wouldn’t have been able to do anything differently than what you did at that moment. You were doing the best you could at that time.
There is something to be said for being a caregiver and also being aware of your boundaries in the caregiving role. Research shows that those who experience less distress and caregiver burnout before death have their symptoms of grief and depression return to “normal” levels by the end of a year of the death. But, it’s not that way for everyone.
If you’re currently caregiving, it is so important to take time to work on your caregiver burnout recovery, not just for yourself now but for your future self too. We have an entire blog post on caregiver burnout and tips to help combat it available to you for free.
Caregiver Burnout & Complicated Grief
Caregivers that feel burdened, exhausted, overlooked, like they have little to no support and are also taking care of other responsibilities while their loved one is alive are more likely to encounter complicated grief. People that care for someone with dementia also have elevated risks.
The Mayo Clinic suggests that the following symptoms can be experienced in initial, acute grief but are prolonged in complicated grief:
Intense and ongoing sorrow, pain, and rumination resulting from the loss of a loved one
Difficulty accepting death and ongoing feelings of numbness or detachment
Bitterness and believing life no longer has purpose or meaning
Intense and persistent longing for the loved one
Distrust of others
Focusing on little, or nothing, else other than the death
Extreme and ongoing focus on (or avoidance of) reminders of the loved one
Difficulty performing or maintaining everyday routines
Isolation and withdrawal from social activities
Deep experience of depression, guilt, or sadness
The belief they could have prevented the death
Wishing they had died along with their loved one
Complicated grief which is now being called prolonged grief disorder (I am not super in love with complicated grief being called a disorder!) is something to be taken seriously and to seek help from a grief counselor.
“Complicated grief is like being in an ongoing, heightened state of mourning that keeps you from healing” (Mayo Clinic, 2021).
Tips For Your Grief & Caregiver Burnout
If your loved one has just died or is nearing passing, here are some things that may help:
Take A Break
Sleep as much as you can, especially in the days right after the death. You are literally physically, emotionally, spiritually, and completely and utterly exhausted. Spend time in your pajamas, and have some low-key days if you can. Your body and your heart need the rest. Take as long as you need and start to find your new schedule of when you’re going to get up and go to bed when you feel up to it.
Feel your Feelings
Whether it is sadness, anger, hopelessness, or anything in between, they are valid. It’s important to feel them instead of stuffing them in a suitcase hoping they will never surface because they will find their way back out! It’s better to face them now rather than later.
Lean into the relief
It’s okay to be clear that you’re feeling some relief and not to feel guilty about it. This can be tricky, but you’ve put so much of your life on hold to be a caregiver, now that that chapter has closed, it’s okay to see how stressful and exhausting it is.
Forgive
Forgive yourself for all of those thoughts of should haves, could haves, or would haves that may enter. Remember, hindsight is 20/20 and you likely did the best you could in the moment. Carrying the burden of “should have would have could have” is going to make things harder on yourself.
The Chapter After Caregiver Burnout
If you’re farther out from your loved ones death and wonder what is next, you might want to consider trying these things:
Explore new hobbies
Reach out to people you were once social with to ease some of the loneliness
Just take things one day at a time.
Part of the process is feeling confused about roles and relationships within your immediate friend and family groups in the absence of your loved one and exploring what those relationships now look like.
It’s okay to celebrate having time and figuring out what you want to do with your life now. It may feel weird or even bring up more guilt and grief – but it’s all part of the grief recovery process. If you’re needing additional help navigating this next chapter, please consider reaching out to a grief counselor who can also give you caregiver support.
Get Support for Caregiver Burnout & Grief Counseling in San Francisco, CA
At Bay Area Therapy for Wellness, I offer grief counseling and support for caregivers. I can guide you through the complicated emotions that accompany caregiver burnout and the grieving process. One of the things I do as an online therapist and grief counselor in California is to help you start the next chapter in your life after the death of your loved one. Get started by following these steps:
Start meeting with me as your grief counselor in the San Francisco bay area
Start making sense of your conflicting emotions and start moving forward!
Other Counseling Services We Offer in San Francisco, CA
As an online therapist in California, I offer several mental health services along with grief counseling and support for caregivers. At my San Francisco bay area-based practice I also offer anxiety treatment and depression treatment. As well as therapy for chronic illness and family therapy.
